Joel Osteen Jokes

Something Funny2I heard about this airplane that was about to crash.

There were four passengers, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I’m a leading heart surgeon. My patients need me.”

He grabbed the first parachute and jumped.

The second passenger said, “I’m a rocket scientist. One of the smartest men in the world. My country needs me.”


He took the second parachute and jumped.

The third passenger was Pope John Paul. He said to the fourth passenger, a ten year old boy scout, “Son, I’m old and frail, you take the last parachute.”

The boy scout said, “That’s okay sir, there’s still two parachutes left.

The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.”






I heard about this kindergarten teacher.

She wanted to teach her students about self esteem.

She said to her class

“Everyone who thinks you are dumb, please stand up.”

She didn’t think anybody would stand

and she’d make the point how no one was dumb.

But about that time little Jonny stood up.

She didn’t quite know what to do.

She said,

“Now Johnny do you really think that you’re dumb?”

He said, “No Ma’am,

I just hate to see you standing there

All by yourself.”


I heard about this 85 year old woman.

She went on a blind date with a 92 year old man.

She came home very frustrated and her daughter said,

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

She said, “I had to slap him three times.”

The daughter said, “You mean he tried to get fresh?”

She said, “No. I thought he was dead.”


This was sent to me (Joel) from a senior citizen’s home.

It’s about this 84 year old woman.

She’d gotten out of shape and knew

she needed to start exercising.

So she decided to join an aerobics class for seniors.

And the first day,

she bent and twisted and gyrated back and forth,

jumped up and down, perspired for over an hour.

But she said by the time she got her leotards on

the class was over.


I heard about this Mother,

One Sunday morning

she went into her son’s bedroom and she said,

“Son, wake up. It’s time to go to church.”

He kinda groaned and rolled over and said,

“No Mom, I’m not going to church today.”

She said, “What do you mean you’re not going?

Why not?”

He said, “Mom, I’ll give you two good reasons.

Number one, I don’t like those people.

And number two, they don’t like me.”

She said, “Son, that’s no excuse.

I’ll give you two Better reasons why you SHOULD go.

Number one, you’re fifty-nine years old

and number two, you’re the Pastor.”


I heard about this kindergarten teacher.

She was walking around her classroom

as her students drew pictures.

She noticed this one little girl drawing so intently

she asked her what she was drawing.

The little girl said she was drawing a picture of God.

The teacher kind of laughed.

She said, “Oh Honey nobody really knows what God looks like.

The little girl without missing a beat said,

“They will in a minute.”





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